Getting ready nothing to do but eat

Well nearly time to go I see. You've been spring cleaning, washing windows not your best attempt, you haven't shrunk any curtains and the soapy wood cleaners nearly finished.Not much to do really as everything is already in Kos.

You weren't too happy in the post office when he stamped your International Driving permit and didn't understand your joke about Quad bikes but you did get a round of applause from the queue when you said you were upsticks and retiring to Kos.

Osc's running you a merry dance with his hang cat expression looking like a waife and stray. Reminds me of a Freemason with his trouser leg turned up half mast and his bare midriff....oops sorry that's a secret. No wonder you've taken to eating family sized trifles rather than drinking at least that way you can speed off to the Vets if needs must. And he's cost you a small fortune in vet fees, better not cancel the payments until he's landed in Kos.

Two plumbers in a week who'd have thought, one to mend your leak in Greece and the other to service your boiler not to mention your crash course in plumbing DIY with Big Nige to mend your toilet. Liking the new pond cover as part of your health and safety equipment pity the seagulls haven't grasped the fact they can't get at the fish now disporting their wares as they frollick in the pond up to that funny business again.

Lawn could do with a cut and bindweed pulled before the neighbours complain again about fence invasion and drive rights 'freedom zone to weeds'. Anyone would think they had nothing better to do.Just because their retired hope your not going to be like that in a few weeks when you've finished work in 8 weeks (not counting)

Well not much to do I guess but nip out for a walk and a little bite to eat. Those sandwiches at Clymping Beach were in the same category as your Family Trifle at least you'll have a better diet in Greece, greek salad, souvlaki and plenty of fruit and maybe a little ice cream.

Even shopping is off the agenda as you've only made room for one suitcase and hand luggage to collect with the cats when you touch down. So guess the garden might look neat and tidy by the time you hand it over to the tennant.

Making your mindup.....Or sitting on your bum

Well you've been sitting on your arse and procrastinating quite a while now and OK I know you've had the bottom Bug but it's no excuse to do nothing. I've been taking care of things from this end and it looks like someone else has got off their arse as well. It's not gone unnoticed that your idea of dealing with Greek Bureaucracy always seems to involve a stop in cafe for a Frappe or Ice cream , but then I guess that's what it takes to build up the stamina to deal with these things.

Your A team have rallied round and that meeting in the Notary's office looked like a scene from the Godfather, the only difference was you dressed in your bright and colourfuls and not the traditional black widows garb. I felt quite honoured as they said Good things about me even if you were sworn to secrecy. There is as much chance of me not knowing stuff as Christine sitting in the back office.

So now you've made your mind up, I see the list writing is in full flow, Planning of all kinds is in progress albeit maybe ahead of schedule as you know everything moves Slowly, slowly but you are well meaning. The de clutter exercise is still ongoing just remember you won't be living in a small tent and that a yes, no maybe approach would serve you better than your favoured approach of bin it. How many things have you had to buy now that you shouldn' have had to. I know my bish, bash bodge it left you with a lot of tidying up and repair to do. The pond liner should last now, tested by the big freeze earlier at least there was only one fatality. Scott's installation of the UV filter has cleared the pea soup and Oscar and Molly have been eating for England since the workers have stopped coming round.

Now you've had another clear out of the memorabilia box and photo album I noticed just how your pile of cards to me seemed to lack refinement and romance and that you have deliberately chosen to keep all the significant Piss Take versions that you could out for all to see whilst my sentimental ones have gone back in the box. Well I always made you laugh apparently at my own expense so you may as well share them with the world.

The closest you get to romance

Must have been the early years

oh you knew me so well..........

I'll keep things moving from here and nudge you in the right direction when choices and finishes need to be dealt with.

Home at last

I’ve been sitting on the hall table for weeks waiting for my Holibobs. I’ve been wearing my sunhat and had my sunglasses to hand. Can’t wait. As soon as you started packing I knew I was on my way. Row One , speedy Boarding and only a slight hiccup in customs as they thought I was ‘dark matter’, it was only the bin liner you’d wrapped me in ‘just in case’, you said. ‘Just in case I spilled out of the overhead locker before I got to Kos’ you said.

Nice of that man to let me on first after the confusion when you told him you’d packed me in your suitcase, must have thought you and Boo were a bit odd. Anyway Gin and tonics all round. Good flight, on time, but left from a new gate and you had to carry me across the tarmac shame I still weigh several kilos.

Didn’t have to hunt for the car in the car park this time as your bestest mates were there to pick you up. Bit of a slow drive to Kefalos I thought, tell Ron to put his foot down next time. Didn’t appreciate being left on the back seat while you had dinner in Mistraili, couldn’t you have brought me out a Metaxa or two.

The apartment looked the same and I noticed you bagsied my bed this time at least Boo got a good night’s sleep from all you’re snoring. Usual paperwork trail back and forth in Kos town with a Frappe or Ice Cream slipped in just to keep you going. What about me? Isn’t it time you let me go.

Carried me down to the garden at last. Needs a bit of work. Where’s Manolis got to? Thanks for sprinkling me around at least the shaker’s a bit lighter now. I’ll be able to grow my fruit trees and vegetables. Good idea to mix me in with the compost to give the Figs, Lemons and that strange fruit Christine keeps mentioning but you can’t remember what it is a chance to grow. You can leave me here to check on the build, I can while away the time with a Sudoku, Kafe Elliniko Sketo and a Cigar and sit in the sun. I’m home at last.

All about the week!

You’ve had a funny week I noticed. One minute you’re showing kids how to take photos in the store Cupboard, the closest you can get to a dark room and the next you’re dodging low flying chairs and tables as they demonstrate kick boxing techniques in the Canteen. Lunch was still served and peace restored.

Think you were a bit mean asking to have you magazines back that you’d taken in to hospital for Doug to read, did you really buy them for him or you? Anyway at least you got to produce some psychedelic snowmen images with your new lens. Who’d have thought Christmas Lights and black paper could produce such effects with or without a glass of wine.

I saw you trying on Erin’s head torch in preference to your own Big Lamp, whilst wearing Lynne’s galoshes. I know you were only trying to get Chickens and Ducks in for the night. You met your match with that Duck though, she wasn’t going to be hurried. ‘Don’t go down before it gets dark’, you were told. So she sat half way up and half way down the ladder like a school teacher counting in the kids. Good job she knew how many to expect as Doug had told you about 24,but as they all looked the same he couldn’t be sure..

I felt sorry for that policeman though as your idea of giving a statement involved physically re-enacting the event. He didn’t know whether to write or watch. Hope you stay seated in court if it comes to that. At least you gave him the correct details. Hot tea and cream cakes were meant for the injured party not you.

I saw you stuffing your face on Saturday morning with smoked salmon and scrambled eggs just to give you stamina apparently for your workout on the beach…..sorry workshop. I felt sorry for those guys who had to put up with you shrieking with delight every time you managed to get it right. The wind blew a gale, the sand blasted you all, bloody tourists kept walking in front of the lens and the temperature was freezing but well done you for persevering. Great shots, frozen knees and extremities and a hot toddy afterwards. What are you going to get up to next week?

 

Ps. Big thanks to Big Nige for coming to the rescue when your carbon monoxide alarm went off when you’d already gone to bed and your attempts at turning it off failed.

P.ps pulling it off the wall only means Heather will have to give you a pot of paint for touching up.

‘Fuck off Miss’, you hear him say first thing in the morning.

The usual start to everyday another day is dawning.

‘It’s long’, he say’s as he waits for tea and toast already burning.

‘That’s shit’, he says and means it too but is it about the learning?

 

With banter used to spread the news about the local gossip

As Snapchat chose to share the pose of you know whose hotlips.

In places we can only hope will not be used for flirting

As friendships form and friendships fail as they keep the big spoon stirring

 

 

Let’s take the phones and confiscate the cigs and flimsy lighters

We need a chance to stem the flow of the disappearing blighters

Behind the bike sheds, across the wall and underneath the bushes

He really has no sense at all as he whispers  loudly hushes.

 

He runs around a merry dance and can’t wait to meet the others

The only threat that seems to work is if we call his mother.

So hard he is, so big and tough, so in your face and challenging

‘But please don’t send me home yet Miss’ they’re waiting to give me a thrashing.

 

What shall we do to keep him safe he’s brought it on himself,

We’ll take him home, or make him tea and look out for his health.

We know tomorrow he’ll be back as big an arse as ever

But we don’t mind it’s not his fault we’re here to make him clever.

 

It’s long ,it’s shit but maybe not, he just enjoyed the science

And what did he just learn in Maths how to organise his finance

With sex and drugs and rock and role in PSHE or art

and ICT  and Functional skills and English to make him smart

 

Enrichment means some more PE or Kite Flying or Golfing

And cooking might just mean the chance to go and do so some shopping

The lunch was good, the pizza piff, the chocolate muffins Moorish

They even beat the best to eat at his favourite Chicken Cottage

 

‘I’m off now Miss’, we hear him say don’t forget Class Dojo

Mum needs to know how good I’ve been if she’s going to let me go go

To get the trainers in JD the one’s I’ve always wanted

I’ll be good another day he says ‘ Fuck off Miss’ as he bolted.

 

 

 

Photography, Algebra or Chinese? It's all the same

Doesn’t he know you can’t do Algebra? Haven’t you told him you don’t do code and numbers and stuff like that. Anyone would have thought you were talking Greek and him Chinese. What with f-stop, depth of field, AV, Aperture, ISO, TV. You looked blank and he got exasperated no wonder he put you in the naughty corner as an exercise in Differentiation just so you could play in the sink with the running water and paint pots. If only you spoke the same language and showed him your photos he wouldn’t have wasted your time.Perhaps next time you’ll take your Laptop with your photos to show him. I saw you pack up early and if it hadn’t been for Doug trying out all his new bits of equipment and fully conversant with Photography Speak you’d have left at 8.30.

 

 

I’ll give you your due off out with your camera and your new lens today despite the rain after you’d put all your ‘I CAN DO PHOTOS ‘ in a folder just to show him you can use a DSLR with or without a tripod. I know he emailed you specifically to tell you to walk away from the MACRO. Did you listen? Not likely. You were trying, out there in Steyning trying your iso’s and your AV with a few f-stops thrown in and a make do umbrella for the lens with your rain hat, but what the heck you do so like your own way and those Macro photos were probably your best with AV Close ups thrown in.

 

Back to the carpark and what a treat , in the corner of the carpark a small vehicle called The Sugar Stop serving coffee, tea and hot chocolate and after a Double Espresso you drove off home to view the pics.

The Sugar Stop Bramber Car Park

 

 

What next? Dance partner or Fireman?

Now you’ve finished the Bungalow and all those carefully hand- picked men and women have done a great makeover job, what next? I notice I’ve been moved back into the hall so I can see what’s going on. I like the wood flooring and the Duck egg blue rug just for the cats to rest on of course as if they didn’t have enough soft furnishings around to lounge on. Think you were a bit mean though chasing Molly off it when she decided to be sick, but you made it to the kitchen before the big throw up.

 

Nearly time to put your feet up and just concentrate on the garden. Strictly Season has started and true to form your sister rings ten minutes in, sorry I’m not around to comment on the performance and your mum won’t be falling asleep part way through and asking for an update. Saw you tapping your feet to the Jive and jiggling to the Samba, little does Lynne know you’ve set your sights on a dance partner, she’s no idea you can’t co-ordinate moves, best take her to a disco. Better not tell her that Vivvy refused to go with you after you Grape Vined left through the fire doors into the car park while everyone else went right. Pop Mobility wasn't really your thing, just wanted to wear the leotard and leg warmers, saw yourself as someone in Fame didn't you.

 

All that’s left are the windows that you said you’d clean from now on as you’d had a bit of trouble with your choice of help. Not too sure about Adam’s idea of setting you up with a Fireman though. Noticed a twinkle in your eye, better get the girls round for the window clean equivalent of the Levi advert, might not be safe on your own…………

 

 

Not through my Cat Flap too.

The look on your face this morning was a picture. It’s one thing, Jingles sneaking in through the Cat Flap to help himself to biscuits it’s quite another taking the whole frame with him on the way out. That gaping hole in the middle of the backdoor came as a bit of a shock. Then all that searching in the garage, shifting boxes, lifting lids, why didn’t you look up as the spare extra large Cat Flap was on the shelf. Always going on at me for having a “man look!”

 

Back indoors for the screwdriver and instructions. In theory one identical door should fit into the exact same place as the other. I heard you cursing my DIY technique where the holes didn’t quite marry up. Wedging the door open with your slippers worked quite well as you shoved your right hand through the cat flap, pity your’e  right handed made the screw driver in your left a bit difficult. When that wasn’t too successful you tried screwing outside in so now it looks a bit of a mismatch and you always complained about me bodging things up. Then the bloody cats wouldn’t use it without a demonstration and Dreamies on both sides. Cat Flap training takes a lot of patience which you seemed to lack at 6.30 this morning.


ps. Following cats with bells on might be your idea of fun but now you've discovered Jingles lives round the corner and is actually called Fred Bassett are you still going to let him in. I heard you telling tales on him to his Dad no wonder he sat with his back to you giving you the silent treatment. But then at 18 years old you might forgive him his constitutional at 5.30 am and 3.30 pm via yours. Senile my arse , he's got sneaking in down to a fine art and he heard you saying how he never eats the Whiskas. Paws up to you then...... he went back for a third visit and ate the whole bowl.