The Big Tractor

You never know when to stop. Home early with a migraine, then when the tablets kick in up and out gardening alternating with shredding and now look at you. Ice pack on your head, ice bandage round your right knee, ice block on your left a Peroni in your right hand and voltorol in your left. You never bloody listen give it a rest. You'll be no good at pick your own with the kids today unless this was your way of ensuring a ride on the Big Tractor. Do they have wheelchairs ?

Don't know that the risk assessment covered what to do when caught out in the middle of a field picking carrots in a thunder storm and hail stones. But Den's improvisation with the punnets for hats worked well for a while and you picked up speed as you raced towards the shelter of the wooden huts but fortunatley the Big Tractor came by just in time. Don't think the huts would have saved you from Lightening bolts and it was a good job the tractor was earthed........

Your mum had a good send off

I think your mum would have enjoyed her day. You four all dressed up in black at the hottest part of the day, good job you were sitting in the funeral car when Ron literally tripped by. The sun was so hot the poor old buggers shoe soles had melted and you couldn't let another old bugger pop his clogs on the way into the crem. With Happy Heart playing on the way in and Volare on the way out and some hymns in between all in all a good send off. The WI contingency enjoyed the cakes and joined the queue for the Pimms, with a few drivers on the orange and lemonade and even they have moved onto to wraps in favour of sandwiches.

 

Pearls paintings held up under the sweltering heat as her collections were deservedly admired, Dean Martin continued to play in the background as another smooth operator my namesake Ron went home to get his not so little black book more a spreadsheet to add the two Katies to his list of ladies he takes out to lunch, while showing them his photos of his extensive world wide travels and sporting his I've been to MAchupichu sun hat . As the guests drifted away the family enjoyed fish and chips in the garden whilst Echo helped out with the Cream teas on the quiet.ps What on earth was Bev thinking of giving Mark that set of 1970's Clackers to play with at least being the neighbour it couldn't disturb the peace.

 Remember to ask Ron to return Boo's hair band it was a great way to keep his soles on his shoes but the pretty beads were a bit of a Giveaway

See your mum is dressed for all variations of the British weather, her where's Wally red coat and check trousers, sun hat and glasses, chocolates just in case, comfy dolly shoes, purse, lucky boot , spotty head scarf and nu nu

Never be without your Easylife

I think you'll find the easy life catalogue very handy. Airers, mobile getting down to housework wheelies, picker uppers, extendables for every activity oh and I've just noticed page 94 a new DVD guide 'sex for the mature'. Well you never know. They put it next to the disposable briefs and incontinent pants and clip on magnifiers for small parts........sorry small print

I'm not XL

Glad you were home long enough to take delivery of the Bras I ordered last year. You know how I like to buy as many of the same thing once I get a winning formula like shoes, Greek yoghurt, Metaxa, Montepulciano , well I know how much you liked those bras so I ordered 4 boxes of 3 should last you a long time. 'That's all very well Ron but I've never been Extra Large......must have been wishful thinking.

A good gardener looks after his tools

How many times do I have to tell you that a good gardener looks after his tools and doesn’t leave them out for the fiend with a Rubber Fetish. Fingers only this time must have been a Fox. Good job you didn't leave the hose out.

You should never have hired the Big Skip

Every morning always on that bloody computer talking to Christine. Well at least you were in the right place to see that Seagull eyeing up the Magnificent Seven for breakfast, oops sorry Half Dozen, I’d forgotten that one following me around up here. Anyway if you go in the garage you’ll find the spare netting just in case. But you won’t will you, you cleared out all my rainy day stuff into that Big Skip, so you’ll just have to go Mayberry quickly and buy some new. It’s a pity it’s Sunday because you’ll have to hang around the pool side until 10.00.

 

Trust you to want to stuff your face with a Poppy seed, lemon curd muffin and a double Espresso before you go looking for a net and fish food. Just be careful our fish aren’t food before you get back. It is a lovely sunny day so a few minutes chillaxing in the sun won’t hurt. It’s a shame you decided to fit Sainsbury’s in just in case they had the Lego Albums though, as every minute counts with a hungry seagull around.

 

Sitting on next doors roof is he, Don’t be fooled he’s just had Monty in your absence and Doris is looking like seconds. Anyway now you’ve strategically placed the netting over the pond allowing escape routes for Frogs let’s hope he doesn’t come back for dinner.

It was a great Funeral

It was a great funeral and if I’d have been alive I’d have thoroughly enjoyed it. The guard of honour did me proud and despite the difference in height no one dropped me. The Eulogy went very well and how Sally hasn’t got a queue of men knocking her door to find out what specials were available, after the graphic description of how I was seduced all those years ago I’m really surprised. However nowadays I know her idea of personal services would involve a paintbrush, lawnmower, plumbers mate or anything handy to finish off the bungalow.

 

Norman took the dress code of wear what you’re comfortable in to mean his Christmas Jumper which we were all able to admire as he stood at the front and delivered Ecclesiastes word perfect for which I’m eternally grateful. Colin, John, Big Nige and Dez did me proud eulogising about my life of Wine, women and song and superlative driving, although I don’t think that’s quite what they said. They did manage to mention some of the work I fitted in around my Socialising and Dal will be capturing my drawing skills forever bricked up in the foyer of a new building.

 

The Masonic version of the Male Voice choir sang the Closing Ode with passion and sincerity and brought tears to the eyes of some. I always was Photogenic and at least Sally had the sense not to display the one of me in a Thong in the Chapel of Rest, although I understand it was made available for private viewing later.

 

The Wake at the very place I bunked off school to swim and collect Shell fish for tea was inspired. I’d have started with a Pint of Guinness, moved onto a G&T ice no lemon and feasted on meze, humus, taramasalata, olives and bread. Smooth Operator played in the background, very apt I thought and a film show of my life made the Big Screen. All my friends and family chatted and enjoyed my day and even the little children had a great time eating Pizza and getting high on bubble gum ice cream.

 

As the Family continued reminiscing into the night dressed in their PJ’s, drinking my Metaxa and looking at my photos I was able to drift away for a bit of a sleep. Next morning sporting hangovers they were able to reflect on a great Send off, but when I turned up in the wrong Box that very afternoon I was sent swiftly away to get re-packaged in my Sprinkler and Shaker ready for Kos with my new Passport. Ever mindful of the luggage allowance Sally was asked If she wanted me divided up into several containers as always larger than life I still weighed in at quite a few kilos .