Men on allotments. Beware

I know there’s been a bit of a theme lately with you doing it all yourself ,but I think we might have reached a turning point. All dressed up on the allotment yesterday like someone from the Good life with your gardening gloves and sun hat looking pale and wan as Doug dug the potato patch and you sifted the weeds. Liked his idea of hiring a rotavator didn’t you after the strimmer died a death, all that hard physical work might take a long time but at least you’d get plenty of fresh air and an aerobic workout if not cardiovascular. Did you take you oxygen pack?

 

I noticed you checking out the other residents , flashing them a smile here and there. Little do they know you're only after their bodies.......(muscles). Did I hear you suggest Doug give you the key to come down on your own next time? I know you're planning to look like a helpless woman in need of a man if only to dig the patch for you if you promise to share your asparagus and onions. They don't stand a chance.


Gardening tip 1
You don't need salt or pellets to get rid of unwanted snails and slugs just say "Chicken Dinner" loudly a few times and the mass migration will start. Never seen such rapid abandonment of green space.I feel a bit sorry for the man on the next plot

You really should have let a man help you.......

All that bloody swearing, bashing and banging. Looks like you’ve been burgled, tools all over the place, cupboards and drawers turned inside out. You’re not going to find the spanners you gave them to Steve on the Big Clear out told you never to throw things away so you’ll just have to go round and borrow them back.

 

Why on earth didn’t you say yes when he offered to help. I know Amazon delivered it at 10.30 on the dot but it’s now 12.45 and your still putting it together. Suggest you go out and cool off have a bit of lunch and try again . You don’t need it today thank goodness or tomorrow…..hahahah.

 

Back are we. Determined to succeed then . Don’t forget to have your first aid kit to hand this time. Never expected to see you doing an aerobics workout at 7.30 in the morning and committing to a whole hour before breakfast. Tossing and turning, screwing and tightening. You really should have got a man to help you……or maybe not. Who would have thought assembling a BBQ could be so difficult.

 

Excuse me what’s that little screw doing left on the side?

ps dear Amazon please add extra pair of hands required to the instructions.

 

 

 

 

Big Nige to the rescue

Big Nige to the rescue then. There are just some things you can’t do yourself. You never can leave things alone, if you’d ignored that sound of hissing and just got on with your planting you wouldn’t have been in the way when the outside pipe perished on the spin cycle. Well at least you were in your gardening clothes. Big thanks to Big Nige for coming to the rescue and he only came round to fix up your other water feature, got more than he bargained for. Even if you did pop out to B&Q with good intentions to get a replacement. It was alright in the end sometimes you’ve got to let the experts do it for you, just because you’re a dab hand at pond pumps doesn’t qualify you for all plumbing jobs.

Big Osc can't cope.

You know Big Osc can’t cope with change and boy you’ve been doing it in bucket loads. I know those nice men have left a nice big cat litter pile specially for him but did you see him growling at it and jumping backwards as though he’d be able to scare it away.

And as for all those chain saws, whacker plates and squeaky wheelbarrows. No wonder he’s left home. Comes back for tea though doesn’t he? Getting his own back too keeping you awake crying and leading you round the garden at all hours just to prove he can. And you know telling him to go forth and multiply doesn’t work he’s been done. Thought that was a good idea today with the Feliway diffuser at least he’ll get to sleep. But wasn’t expecting it to work on humans you had a good old snooze for hours in the middle of the day. Better than Metaxa. Perhaps Osc should try that.

Notice Oscar had you following round the house again this morning at some unearthly hour. I could hear him moaning from here. Good move on your part trying to look nonchalant in your dressing gown as the Bird Watcher walked past. Don't know what his wife will think of you taking him round the back to show off your York Stone Paving......Is that what they call it nowadays. Anyway at least you had a chaperone kicking up a fuss at a strange man. When you get your sleeping pills later perhaps you should give them to Oscar.

Gin and tonic cheesecake, mmmmmm no wonder Big Osc couldn't penetrate the heavy sleeper. See Molly tried a more subtle approach with the tail twitching technique across your face. Ahhhhh bless!

Ah! a good night’s sleep at last......nearly. Good plan of yours to get the bus to the lunchtime BBQ so you could have a little drink, but the 2 o'clock start dragged onto 4.00 and still no sign of food and you were taking it steady on the Pimms but with no food inside you and Erin expected for pizza at 5.30 no wonder you staggered back to the bus for the 4.05.

A lovely evening with friends who Oscar liked and then early to bed ah! peace at last. But what was all that shuffling and snuffling and banging around. Not Molly she was sitting calmly in the hall so no worries. But it didn't stop and in came Big Osc to the rescue hissing and pacing. How very dare those fox cubs play around in his new cat litter sand heap outside the bedroom window. He'd tell them what for as he hissed through the glass from the bedroom window.

Yet another early dawn...............thankyou bloody Oscar when are you going to let Mum get some sleep?

 

 

Holiday plans don't include Pond Pumps

Whoop whoop the school holidays are edging closer. Don’t forget Molly is going to practice going off for hours on end so that you have to go round in the dark with your torch, rattling Biscuits whispering loudly,,,,,,” Molly sweet pea,   Gorgeous Girly” etc etc and when you’ve done all that you find her sitting in the kitchen with that knowing grin. Big Osc sticks to you like glue and any hint of the Ironing board is sure to send him into shock,rolling upside down and looking like a seal on the beach, obviously scared stiff that his next meal might be more than a few hours off.

 

And then there’s the pond. I noticed you changing the filter sponges Friday with some success but the slowness of the flow had you in a bit of a panic this morning. Good idea to wrap the old sponges round the pump after you’d cleaned them. But no……….didn’t work. So off to the garden centre for a new all singing all dancing expensive system plus an Espresso and a sausage sandwich. Any excuse to stuff your face. Now you’re waiting on Sam to arrive to supervise you in your Waders and Pond dipping outfit. Think the shower cap might be a good plan to save your hair from all that weed.

Ok you win the best flow I've ever seen let's hope the level stays just below the tank while you're away.

Second time around.....No chance

Next time you temporarily move me in my Sprinkler and Shaker to the Garage remember mirror reflections and sunlight, can equal fire. Phew! nearly a gonna for the second time. Good job I had my sun hat on to shield the glare. Much safer indoors on my Hall shelf. At least your mum got sorted.

The pomp and circumstance to accompany a good funeral fell a bit short when the vicar delivered your mum to the grave in a carrier bag. The dug hole was a bit further forward than anticipated with only a small plank to cover it so let us hope no one decides to wander round the church yard tonight. Won't fall in but could get a nasty turn on the ankle. A few prayers with a small pot of soil for the dust to dust bit that took so long that a small snail had time to circumnavigate the plot and final fond farewells to mum. A funny sort of Saturday.

Good day of remembrance, managed to fit in snacks, early dinner in honour of the warfarin schedule, a few treats kept you going. Some black comedy on your part finishing off after reminiscing by watching the Great British Skinny Dip. Bev's comment of 'man up' was aptly timed as she fell asleep on the sofa and you were subjected to the full frontal nudism of the ambassador for Britains naturists and not a fig leaf in sight, nothing new there then. Mum would have needed her specs and you'd have had to explain what was going on. So thank goodness for small..........mercies

Let's hope my sprinkling goes off smoothly.