All about the week!

You’ve had a funny week I noticed. One minute you’re showing kids how to take photos in the store Cupboard, the closest you can get to a dark room and the next you’re dodging low flying chairs and tables as they demonstrate kick boxing techniques in the Canteen. Lunch was still served and peace restored.

Think you were a bit mean asking to have you magazines back that you’d taken in to hospital for Doug to read, did you really buy them for him or you? Anyway at least you got to produce some psychedelic snowmen images with your new lens. Who’d have thought Christmas Lights and black paper could produce such effects with or without a glass of wine.

I saw you trying on Erin’s head torch in preference to your own Big Lamp, whilst wearing Lynne’s galoshes. I know you were only trying to get Chickens and Ducks in for the night. You met your match with that Duck though, she wasn’t going to be hurried. ‘Don’t go down before it gets dark’, you were told. So she sat half way up and half way down the ladder like a school teacher counting in the kids. Good job she knew how many to expect as Doug had told you about 24,but as they all looked the same he couldn’t be sure..

I felt sorry for that policeman though as your idea of giving a statement involved physically re-enacting the event. He didn’t know whether to write or watch. Hope you stay seated in court if it comes to that. At least you gave him the correct details. Hot tea and cream cakes were meant for the injured party not you.

I saw you stuffing your face on Saturday morning with smoked salmon and scrambled eggs just to give you stamina apparently for your workout on the beach…..sorry workshop. I felt sorry for those guys who had to put up with you shrieking with delight every time you managed to get it right. The wind blew a gale, the sand blasted you all, bloody tourists kept walking in front of the lens and the temperature was freezing but well done you for persevering. Great shots, frozen knees and extremities and a hot toddy afterwards. What are you going to get up to next week?

 

Ps. Big thanks to Big Nige for coming to the rescue when your carbon monoxide alarm went off when you’d already gone to bed and your attempts at turning it off failed.

P.ps pulling it off the wall only means Heather will have to give you a pot of paint for touching up.

‘Fuck off Miss’, you hear him say first thing in the morning.

The usual start to everyday another day is dawning.

‘It’s long’, he say’s as he waits for tea and toast already burning.

‘That’s shit’, he says and means it too but is it about the learning?

 

With banter used to spread the news about the local gossip

As Snapchat chose to share the pose of you know whose hotlips.

In places we can only hope will not be used for flirting

As friendships form and friendships fail as they keep the big spoon stirring

 

 

Let’s take the phones and confiscate the cigs and flimsy lighters

We need a chance to stem the flow of the disappearing blighters

Behind the bike sheds, across the wall and underneath the bushes

He really has no sense at all as he whispers  loudly hushes.

 

He runs around a merry dance and can’t wait to meet the others

The only threat that seems to work is if we call his mother.

So hard he is, so big and tough, so in your face and challenging

‘But please don’t send me home yet Miss’ they’re waiting to give me a thrashing.

 

What shall we do to keep him safe he’s brought it on himself,

We’ll take him home, or make him tea and look out for his health.

We know tomorrow he’ll be back as big an arse as ever

But we don’t mind it’s not his fault we’re here to make him clever.

 

It’s long ,it’s shit but maybe not, he just enjoyed the science

And what did he just learn in Maths how to organise his finance

With sex and drugs and rock and role in PSHE or art

and ICT  and Functional skills and English to make him smart

 

Enrichment means some more PE or Kite Flying or Golfing

And cooking might just mean the chance to go and do so some shopping

The lunch was good, the pizza piff, the chocolate muffins Moorish

They even beat the best to eat at his favourite Chicken Cottage

 

‘I’m off now Miss’, we hear him say don’t forget Class Dojo

Mum needs to know how good I’ve been if she’s going to let me go go

To get the trainers in JD the one’s I’ve always wanted

I’ll be good another day he says ‘ Fuck off Miss’ as he bolted.

 

 

 

Photography, Algebra or Chinese? It's all the same

Doesn’t he know you can’t do Algebra? Haven’t you told him you don’t do code and numbers and stuff like that. Anyone would have thought you were talking Greek and him Chinese. What with f-stop, depth of field, AV, Aperture, ISO, TV. You looked blank and he got exasperated no wonder he put you in the naughty corner as an exercise in Differentiation just so you could play in the sink with the running water and paint pots. If only you spoke the same language and showed him your photos he wouldn’t have wasted your time.Perhaps next time you’ll take your Laptop with your photos to show him. I saw you pack up early and if it hadn’t been for Doug trying out all his new bits of equipment and fully conversant with Photography Speak you’d have left at 8.30.

 

 

I’ll give you your due off out with your camera and your new lens today despite the rain after you’d put all your ‘I CAN DO PHOTOS ‘ in a folder just to show him you can use a DSLR with or without a tripod. I know he emailed you specifically to tell you to walk away from the MACRO. Did you listen? Not likely. You were trying, out there in Steyning trying your iso’s and your AV with a few f-stops thrown in and a make do umbrella for the lens with your rain hat, but what the heck you do so like your own way and those Macro photos were probably your best with AV Close ups thrown in.

 

Back to the carpark and what a treat , in the corner of the carpark a small vehicle called The Sugar Stop serving coffee, tea and hot chocolate and after a Double Espresso you drove off home to view the pics.

The Sugar Stop Bramber Car Park

 

 

What next? Dance partner or Fireman?

Now you’ve finished the Bungalow and all those carefully hand- picked men and women have done a great makeover job, what next? I notice I’ve been moved back into the hall so I can see what’s going on. I like the wood flooring and the Duck egg blue rug just for the cats to rest on of course as if they didn’t have enough soft furnishings around to lounge on. Think you were a bit mean though chasing Molly off it when she decided to be sick, but you made it to the kitchen before the big throw up.

 

Nearly time to put your feet up and just concentrate on the garden. Strictly Season has started and true to form your sister rings ten minutes in, sorry I’m not around to comment on the performance and your mum won’t be falling asleep part way through and asking for an update. Saw you tapping your feet to the Jive and jiggling to the Samba, little does Lynne know you’ve set your sights on a dance partner, she’s no idea you can’t co-ordinate moves, best take her to a disco. Better not tell her that Vivvy refused to go with you after you Grape Vined left through the fire doors into the car park while everyone else went right. Pop Mobility wasn't really your thing, just wanted to wear the leotard and leg warmers, saw yourself as someone in Fame didn't you.

 

All that’s left are the windows that you said you’d clean from now on as you’d had a bit of trouble with your choice of help. Not too sure about Adam’s idea of setting you up with a Fireman though. Noticed a twinkle in your eye, better get the girls round for the window clean equivalent of the Levi advert, might not be safe on your own…………

 

 

Not through my Cat Flap too.

The look on your face this morning was a picture. It’s one thing, Jingles sneaking in through the Cat Flap to help himself to biscuits it’s quite another taking the whole frame with him on the way out. That gaping hole in the middle of the backdoor came as a bit of a shock. Then all that searching in the garage, shifting boxes, lifting lids, why didn’t you look up as the spare extra large Cat Flap was on the shelf. Always going on at me for having a “man look!”

 

Back indoors for the screwdriver and instructions. In theory one identical door should fit into the exact same place as the other. I heard you cursing my DIY technique where the holes didn’t quite marry up. Wedging the door open with your slippers worked quite well as you shoved your right hand through the cat flap, pity your’e  right handed made the screw driver in your left a bit difficult. When that wasn’t too successful you tried screwing outside in so now it looks a bit of a mismatch and you always complained about me bodging things up. Then the bloody cats wouldn’t use it without a demonstration and Dreamies on both sides. Cat Flap training takes a lot of patience which you seemed to lack at 6.30 this morning.


ps. Following cats with bells on might be your idea of fun but now you've discovered Jingles lives round the corner and is actually called Fred Bassett are you still going to let him in. I heard you telling tales on him to his Dad no wonder he sat with his back to you giving you the silent treatment. But then at 18 years old you might forgive him his constitutional at 5.30 am and 3.30 pm via yours. Senile my arse , he's got sneaking in down to a fine art and he heard you saying how he never eats the Whiskas. Paws up to you then...... he went back for a third visit and ate the whole bowl.

Trip advisor has a lot to answer for.

I really think it’s about time you went back to work. You’ve been taking this ‘ladies what lunch’ thing a bit too far. Bacon butties here, sausage sandwiches there, a little pasta at the Galleria, Panini at Hectors shed and while you’re at Dunelm you seem to like popping into Macdonald’s. Your Trip advisor rating for eateries has soared to 5,122 points as has your waist line. Restaurant level 12 isn’t something to be proud of when it’s all about the breakfasts.

The weather is changing and your soaking up the rays in the garden will be curtailed so you’ll just have to get your wet weather gear on and get gardening. It’s all very well sneaking off to the allotment but that doesn’t keep the weeds at bay. Don’t forget to complete the end of season pond clearance when you get the chance to wear your favourite waders and shower cap and I notice the leaves have started to drop already.

Don’t know what you were thinking this morning dropping into the Spiritualist church if you were expecting me to turn up you’ve got another thing coming. Serves you right for going, I saw you miming‘Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam’ followed by a bunch of people singing ‘If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands’. You didn’t stay for coffee and biscuits though, not double espresso on offer or were you rushing home for another reason.

Anyway back to school tomorrow, just make sure you stay away from the biscuit tin.

Men on allotments. Beware

I know there’s been a bit of a theme lately with you doing it all yourself ,but I think we might have reached a turning point. All dressed up on the allotment yesterday like someone from the Good life with your gardening gloves and sun hat looking pale and wan as Doug dug the potato patch and you sifted the weeds. Liked his idea of hiring a rotavator didn’t you after the strimmer died a death, all that hard physical work might take a long time but at least you’d get plenty of fresh air and an aerobic workout if not cardiovascular. Did you take you oxygen pack?

 

I noticed you checking out the other residents , flashing them a smile here and there. Little do they know you're only after their bodies.......(muscles). Did I hear you suggest Doug give you the key to come down on your own next time? I know you're planning to look like a helpless woman in need of a man if only to dig the patch for you if you promise to share your asparagus and onions. They don't stand a chance.


Gardening tip 1
You don't need salt or pellets to get rid of unwanted snails and slugs just say "Chicken Dinner" loudly a few times and the mass migration will start. Never seen such rapid abandonment of green space.I feel a bit sorry for the man on the next plot

You really should have let a man help you.......

All that bloody swearing, bashing and banging. Looks like you’ve been burgled, tools all over the place, cupboards and drawers turned inside out. You’re not going to find the spanners you gave them to Steve on the Big Clear out told you never to throw things away so you’ll just have to go round and borrow them back.

 

Why on earth didn’t you say yes when he offered to help. I know Amazon delivered it at 10.30 on the dot but it’s now 12.45 and your still putting it together. Suggest you go out and cool off have a bit of lunch and try again . You don’t need it today thank goodness or tomorrow…..hahahah.

 

Back are we. Determined to succeed then . Don’t forget to have your first aid kit to hand this time. Never expected to see you doing an aerobics workout at 7.30 in the morning and committing to a whole hour before breakfast. Tossing and turning, screwing and tightening. You really should have got a man to help you……or maybe not. Who would have thought assembling a BBQ could be so difficult.

 

Excuse me what’s that little screw doing left on the side?

ps dear Amazon please add extra pair of hands required to the instructions.

 

 

 

 

Big Nige to the rescue

Big Nige to the rescue then. There are just some things you can’t do yourself. You never can leave things alone, if you’d ignored that sound of hissing and just got on with your planting you wouldn’t have been in the way when the outside pipe perished on the spin cycle. Well at least you were in your gardening clothes. Big thanks to Big Nige for coming to the rescue and he only came round to fix up your other water feature, got more than he bargained for. Even if you did pop out to B&Q with good intentions to get a replacement. It was alright in the end sometimes you’ve got to let the experts do it for you, just because you’re a dab hand at pond pumps doesn’t qualify you for all plumbing jobs.

Big Osc can't cope.

You know Big Osc can’t cope with change and boy you’ve been doing it in bucket loads. I know those nice men have left a nice big cat litter pile specially for him but did you see him growling at it and jumping backwards as though he’d be able to scare it away.

And as for all those chain saws, whacker plates and squeaky wheelbarrows. No wonder he’s left home. Comes back for tea though doesn’t he? Getting his own back too keeping you awake crying and leading you round the garden at all hours just to prove he can. And you know telling him to go forth and multiply doesn’t work he’s been done. Thought that was a good idea today with the Feliway diffuser at least he’ll get to sleep. But wasn’t expecting it to work on humans you had a good old snooze for hours in the middle of the day. Better than Metaxa. Perhaps Osc should try that.

Notice Oscar had you following round the house again this morning at some unearthly hour. I could hear him moaning from here. Good move on your part trying to look nonchalant in your dressing gown as the Bird Watcher walked past. Don't know what his wife will think of you taking him round the back to show off your York Stone Paving......Is that what they call it nowadays. Anyway at least you had a chaperone kicking up a fuss at a strange man. When you get your sleeping pills later perhaps you should give them to Oscar.

Gin and tonic cheesecake, mmmmmm no wonder Big Osc couldn't penetrate the heavy sleeper. See Molly tried a more subtle approach with the tail twitching technique across your face. Ahhhhh bless!

Ah! a good night’s sleep at last......nearly. Good plan of yours to get the bus to the lunchtime BBQ so you could have a little drink, but the 2 o'clock start dragged onto 4.00 and still no sign of food and you were taking it steady on the Pimms but with no food inside you and Erin expected for pizza at 5.30 no wonder you staggered back to the bus for the 4.05.

A lovely evening with friends who Oscar liked and then early to bed ah! peace at last. But what was all that shuffling and snuffling and banging around. Not Molly she was sitting calmly in the hall so no worries. But it didn't stop and in came Big Osc to the rescue hissing and pacing. How very dare those fox cubs play around in his new cat litter sand heap outside the bedroom window. He'd tell them what for as he hissed through the glass from the bedroom window.

Yet another early dawn...............thankyou bloody Oscar when are you going to let Mum get some sleep?

 

 

Holiday plans don't include Pond Pumps

Whoop whoop the school holidays are edging closer. Don’t forget Molly is going to practice going off for hours on end so that you have to go round in the dark with your torch, rattling Biscuits whispering loudly,,,,,,” Molly sweet pea,   Gorgeous Girly” etc etc and when you’ve done all that you find her sitting in the kitchen with that knowing grin. Big Osc sticks to you like glue and any hint of the Ironing board is sure to send him into shock,rolling upside down and looking like a seal on the beach, obviously scared stiff that his next meal might be more than a few hours off.

 

And then there’s the pond. I noticed you changing the filter sponges Friday with some success but the slowness of the flow had you in a bit of a panic this morning. Good idea to wrap the old sponges round the pump after you’d cleaned them. But no……….didn’t work. So off to the garden centre for a new all singing all dancing expensive system plus an Espresso and a sausage sandwich. Any excuse to stuff your face. Now you’re waiting on Sam to arrive to supervise you in your Waders and Pond dipping outfit. Think the shower cap might be a good plan to save your hair from all that weed.

Ok you win the best flow I've ever seen let's hope the level stays just below the tank while you're away.

Second time around.....No chance

Next time you temporarily move me in my Sprinkler and Shaker to the Garage remember mirror reflections and sunlight, can equal fire. Phew! nearly a gonna for the second time. Good job I had my sun hat on to shield the glare. Much safer indoors on my Hall shelf. At least your mum got sorted.

The pomp and circumstance to accompany a good funeral fell a bit short when the vicar delivered your mum to the grave in a carrier bag. The dug hole was a bit further forward than anticipated with only a small plank to cover it so let us hope no one decides to wander round the church yard tonight. Won't fall in but could get a nasty turn on the ankle. A few prayers with a small pot of soil for the dust to dust bit that took so long that a small snail had time to circumnavigate the plot and final fond farewells to mum. A funny sort of Saturday.

Good day of remembrance, managed to fit in snacks, early dinner in honour of the warfarin schedule, a few treats kept you going. Some black comedy on your part finishing off after reminiscing by watching the Great British Skinny Dip. Bev's comment of 'man up' was aptly timed as she fell asleep on the sofa and you were subjected to the full frontal nudism of the ambassador for Britains naturists and not a fig leaf in sight, nothing new there then. Mum would have needed her specs and you'd have had to explain what was going on. So thank goodness for small..........mercies

Let's hope my sprinkling goes off smoothly.

 

The Big Tractor

You never know when to stop. Home early with a migraine, then when the tablets kick in up and out gardening alternating with shredding and now look at you. Ice pack on your head, ice bandage round your right knee, ice block on your left a Peroni in your right hand and voltorol in your left. You never bloody listen give it a rest. You'll be no good at pick your own with the kids today unless this was your way of ensuring a ride on the Big Tractor. Do they have wheelchairs ?

Don't know that the risk assessment covered what to do when caught out in the middle of a field picking carrots in a thunder storm and hail stones. But Den's improvisation with the punnets for hats worked well for a while and you picked up speed as you raced towards the shelter of the wooden huts but fortunatley the Big Tractor came by just in time. Don't think the huts would have saved you from Lightening bolts and it was a good job the tractor was earthed........

Your mum had a good send off

I think your mum would have enjoyed her day. You four all dressed up in black at the hottest part of the day, good job you were sitting in the funeral car when Ron literally tripped by. The sun was so hot the poor old buggers shoe soles had melted and you couldn't let another old bugger pop his clogs on the way into the crem. With Happy Heart playing on the way in and Volare on the way out and some hymns in between all in all a good send off. The WI contingency enjoyed the cakes and joined the queue for the Pimms, with a few drivers on the orange and lemonade and even they have moved onto to wraps in favour of sandwiches.

 

Pearls paintings held up under the sweltering heat as her collections were deservedly admired, Dean Martin continued to play in the background as another smooth operator my namesake Ron went home to get his not so little black book more a spreadsheet to add the two Katies to his list of ladies he takes out to lunch, while showing them his photos of his extensive world wide travels and sporting his I've been to MAchupichu sun hat . As the guests drifted away the family enjoyed fish and chips in the garden whilst Echo helped out with the Cream teas on the quiet.ps What on earth was Bev thinking of giving Mark that set of 1970's Clackers to play with at least being the neighbour it couldn't disturb the peace.

 Remember to ask Ron to return Boo's hair band it was a great way to keep his soles on his shoes but the pretty beads were a bit of a Giveaway

See your mum is dressed for all variations of the British weather, her where's Wally red coat and check trousers, sun hat and glasses, chocolates just in case, comfy dolly shoes, purse, lucky boot , spotty head scarf and nu nu

Never be without your Easylife

I think you'll find the easy life catalogue very handy. Airers, mobile getting down to housework wheelies, picker uppers, extendables for every activity oh and I've just noticed page 94 a new DVD guide 'sex for the mature'. Well you never know. They put it next to the disposable briefs and incontinent pants and clip on magnifiers for small parts........sorry small print

I'm not XL

Glad you were home long enough to take delivery of the Bras I ordered last year. You know how I like to buy as many of the same thing once I get a winning formula like shoes, Greek yoghurt, Metaxa, Montepulciano , well I know how much you liked those bras so I ordered 4 boxes of 3 should last you a long time. 'That's all very well Ron but I've never been Extra Large......must have been wishful thinking.

A good gardener looks after his tools

How many times do I have to tell you that a good gardener looks after his tools and doesn’t leave them out for the fiend with a Rubber Fetish. Fingers only this time must have been a Fox. Good job you didn't leave the hose out.

You should never have hired the Big Skip

Every morning always on that bloody computer talking to Christine. Well at least you were in the right place to see that Seagull eyeing up the Magnificent Seven for breakfast, oops sorry Half Dozen, I’d forgotten that one following me around up here. Anyway if you go in the garage you’ll find the spare netting just in case. But you won’t will you, you cleared out all my rainy day stuff into that Big Skip, so you’ll just have to go Mayberry quickly and buy some new. It’s a pity it’s Sunday because you’ll have to hang around the pool side until 10.00.

 

Trust you to want to stuff your face with a Poppy seed, lemon curd muffin and a double Espresso before you go looking for a net and fish food. Just be careful our fish aren’t food before you get back. It is a lovely sunny day so a few minutes chillaxing in the sun won’t hurt. It’s a shame you decided to fit Sainsbury’s in just in case they had the Lego Albums though, as every minute counts with a hungry seagull around.

 

Sitting on next doors roof is he, Don’t be fooled he’s just had Monty in your absence and Doris is looking like seconds. Anyway now you’ve strategically placed the netting over the pond allowing escape routes for Frogs let’s hope he doesn’t come back for dinner.

It was a great Funeral

It was a great funeral and if I’d have been alive I’d have thoroughly enjoyed it. The guard of honour did me proud and despite the difference in height no one dropped me. The Eulogy went very well and how Sally hasn’t got a queue of men knocking her door to find out what specials were available, after the graphic description of how I was seduced all those years ago I’m really surprised. However nowadays I know her idea of personal services would involve a paintbrush, lawnmower, plumbers mate or anything handy to finish off the bungalow.

 

Norman took the dress code of wear what you’re comfortable in to mean his Christmas Jumper which we were all able to admire as he stood at the front and delivered Ecclesiastes word perfect for which I’m eternally grateful. Colin, John, Big Nige and Dez did me proud eulogising about my life of Wine, women and song and superlative driving, although I don’t think that’s quite what they said. They did manage to mention some of the work I fitted in around my Socialising and Dal will be capturing my drawing skills forever bricked up in the foyer of a new building.

 

The Masonic version of the Male Voice choir sang the Closing Ode with passion and sincerity and brought tears to the eyes of some. I always was Photogenic and at least Sally had the sense not to display the one of me in a Thong in the Chapel of Rest, although I understand it was made available for private viewing later.

 

The Wake at the very place I bunked off school to swim and collect Shell fish for tea was inspired. I’d have started with a Pint of Guinness, moved onto a G&T ice no lemon and feasted on meze, humus, taramasalata, olives and bread. Smooth Operator played in the background, very apt I thought and a film show of my life made the Big Screen. All my friends and family chatted and enjoyed my day and even the little children had a great time eating Pizza and getting high on bubble gum ice cream.

 

As the Family continued reminiscing into the night dressed in their PJ’s, drinking my Metaxa and looking at my photos I was able to drift away for a bit of a sleep. Next morning sporting hangovers they were able to reflect on a great Send off, but when I turned up in the wrong Box that very afternoon I was sent swiftly away to get re-packaged in my Sprinkler and Shaker ready for Kos with my new Passport. Ever mindful of the luggage allowance Sally was asked If she wanted me divided up into several containers as always larger than life I still weighed in at quite a few kilos .